Summer

Well it has been almost 4 months since John has passed.  We just finished the major all-stars in Yuma which was and emotional journey.  The boys finished 2nd out of 10 teams and had to fight and struggle their way back from the losers bracket.  the reason for the emotion was that John was supposed to be there with the the boys and I believe he was.  Mikey pitched a no hitter and hit a 3 run homer on his dads birthday and Matt went back on a ball at the fence and continued to hit.  MAtt Shaw had a card with John's picture on it the whole tourney.  It meant a great deal to me to see just how much those kids loved my husband.

As for Lexi she has continued to work for the summer and will start Cross Country and Cheer this fall. 

The older kids Jenni, Josh, and Jessi have been a constant source os support for me along with my parents, John's family and my friends,

I have moved into a new home with lots of space for the kids so it has been great the old memories of the house are often overwhelming for me so I believe the move was good.  John would have been happy here. 

I am moving on although very difficult at times.  I miss the laughter and the human touch.  He just had away of making us laugh and being alone quite honestly sucks.  Even though I have an incredible support network I still feel empty and as if I have been punched in the stomach.  This will pass.

I worry for my children and only hope I can be as strong for me and that I can be as strong as he was. 

1 month

Well we are at a month tomorrow.  It still seems unreal however I am a realist and I quickly realize the enormity of the situation.  Funny going through it we all of the family had hope that came from John.  I miss him so as do my kids we are coping and when I say I'm fine it means I'm coping the best I am able.  The kids have been angry especially Mike not having him(john) on the the field and at home has been difficult.  Speaking of the field watching his team gather on the mound and scratch John's initials in at every game is tough to watch however the love I feel for all of those children to remember my husband will not soon be forgotten. 

CANCER sucks I hear the word and become angry.  Anger is where I am now.  This will pass.


Just rambeling now Goodnight!

Finding our way

Well it has been 2 weeks it's quiet and we are trying to get back to normal although we will never be normal again.  The feelings come and go  often and often manifest at inopportune times.  The kids go through phases andthis week is anger.  Their anger is of course directed at me so I try not to take it personally. We celebrated Lexi's 16th birthday and it seemed hollow without him although I'm sure he was watching smiling down and he will be with her when she takes her driving test on Thursday. 
The boys played with the 13 year olds this weekend and they hit great if you ask one of John's Friends who was umpiring he said he felt John on the field helping them.  Mike was 3 for 3 on Sunday and Matt 2 for 3 I was very proud.

Finally, I am on a mission the mission gets bigger everyday to get medical practioners to pay attention to their patient's histories and not let things go.  I get more angry that not one of John's Doctors evn thought the cancer could come back.  It makes me believe that people do not understand the magnitude of this disease and how quickly it moves and destroys.  This is my mission and those of you who know me understand that I am not a quitter.  I am just getting my plan together so that this can't happen to another person as John wanted.  If you want to continue to watch this I will be posting my progress.

Thank you for all your continued support!!!

Sadness

Today it finally happened my husband finally lost his couragous battle with cancer.  Watching someone battle this monster is heartbreaking.  I have to thank Frannie, Mary, and Cheryl Webb for being with making sure my husband was clean and taken care of.  They helped him die with dignity.  So many people have helped along the way and I will thank you all however tonight I am tired and need to sleep.  The boys have opening ceremonies tomorrow where they will throw out the opening pitch.  John was going to do this and was so looking forward to it.  Now the boys will take his place.  He really loved all of you and fought to the very end.  We are looking to have services mid week I will post later.  Goodnight and thank you for all your love.

Quiet

The quiet is stiffeling however I know we are not alone.   The arrangements have been made  and the plot has been bought all thing I thought I would never do!  I am angry and upset however I must move in a positive direction.

There will be a viewing at Sutton funeral home from 5to 7 on tuesday.
The funeral will be at Lee Williams High School on Wednsday at 1:00 and a graveside service to follow and then a big ass party at the Elks which is what my husband wanted.  For now Good night it will be busy this next week.

Friday

Still Fighting however will be going home soon.  Please keep us in your prayers.

Wednesday

Life is so Delicate.  John is resting comfortably and has been surrounded by family and friends.  This has been a truly humbling experience to see my children and the love they have for their father and his friends and the outpouring of support.  He is resting and peaceful and there doesn't seem to be any pain so for now we comfort.  Please take a minute and grab your family and hug them and tell them they are loved. John always did.  Family and friends always knew they were loved.